


just sit in line (and create a robot)

by 221b_quote, foreverunsolved (221b_quote)



Series: yknow this is how you live your life [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Angst without a happy ending, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Familial pressure, Gay Logic | Logan Sanders, Logan Needs A Hug, Logan hides his feelings, Logic | Logan Sanders Angst, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Feelings, Logic | Logan Sanders Has Issues, Logic | Logan Sanders-centric, M/M, Rich Logan Sanders, Sad Logic | Logan Sanders, angsty ending, heavily inspired by a song, hinted homophobia, i hurt him bc i love him trust me, logans having a rough time my guys, logans parents are shit and so is his tutor, read with caution, slight song fic, this is a rough one
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-28
Updated: 2019-12-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 05:27:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,695
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21998254
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/221b_quote/pseuds/221b_quote, https://archiveofourown.org/users/221b_quote/pseuds/foreverunsolved
Summary: Late night musings about a life that seems like it can’t be his own.or: Logan is walking down the dark streets when the others find him.(title from “Reporting Live” by Ethan Jewell)
Relationships: Anxiety | Virgil Sanders/Logic | Logan Sanders
Series: yknow this is how you live your life [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1597657
Comments: 13
Kudos: 107





	just sit in line (and create a robot)

**Author's Note:**

> okay guys buckle up this ones real sad.
> 
> tw: abuse, hinted homophobia, disordered eating, bruises, nightmares (mentioned but not described), familial pressure, mentioned passing out, swearing
> 
> (i would highly recommend listening to the title song before or during the reading as it was heavily inspired by that song)

To everyone else, Logan looked happy. He looked like an eternal fountain of that “kid on Christmas” feeling. Looked as if he had always just opened the best birthday present he could ever imagine. Looked as if the novelty of purely  _ existing _ never failed to slip his mind.

To everyone else, Logan lived the California Dream. His parents both worked for a successful tech company and were quick to give him all of the latest gear. They had a beachside mini mansion and a winter cabin up in the mountains. They spent summers in Greece or Italy or France or whatever European country they felt like. They had fancy cars and never had to worry about gas or food or money. They ate three course dinners and desserts were always freshly made.

To everyone else, Logan was the straight A student. He never finished a semester with lower than a 97%, and he did it with ease. He was put together, composed, and always dressed professionally. He knew the information and the system. He was the well behaved teachers pet. 

_ Everyone else _ , Logan thought as he shoved his hands into the pockets of his favorite hoodie,  _ was wrong _ .

Logan was currently walking down the street in his hometown. He was currently living at his usual residence, a three story house that was the biggest house in town. When he was born, his parents had been adamant about raising him the right way - in their hometown (no matter how small it seemed), around normal kids his own age, and with a strict set of rules. It had worked for them, surely he’d come out even more straight and narrow.

And yeah, his parents were well off, but that didn’t make them good parents or him guaranteed to be happy. Maybe he was a brat, but Logan suspected brats didn’t feel like shit when they thought about the future (or the past or the present).

Logan knew his past well, didn’t exactly remember but knew. 

He’d started kindergarten a few months before his fifth birthday and was the most advanced kid there. He didn’t make any friends and was too afraid to show how upset that made him. He loved the weekly Color By Number sheets that he was given for homework. He didn’t recall anything substantial happening in first grade; he already knew how to read fairly well and knew his numbers and letters and animals - his private tutors and bruised knuckles could show you. Second grade was a whirlwind of math and writing and coloring. He got more Color By Number sheets than he ever would again, wrote more one sentence homework assignments than ever, and took timed tests every other day. He never failed to finish the tests with a fully completed 100% - couldn’t afford to - and moved through the classroom test ranks like a speed racer. That year he also met his first friend, a small boy named Virgil who could have done as well as Logan if it hadn’t been for the pressure of a timer. 

Third grade was full of presentations and book reports. He gave a president report on JFK that year. In fourth grade he “learned” his multiplication tables. His tutor had taught them to him when he was newly eight years old. (They’d been pretty difficult, so difficult that he didn’t eat dinner for weeks. He'd be quizzed before he ate, like always, and when he got a question wrong he was excused back to his room to study more.) In the fifth grade he’d memorized all of the states and their capitals. He learned about astronomy and the stars and Greek gods. They’d been a small passion project; books only opened when his parents and tutors allowed him free study time. By the time he turned eleven, he could tell you about any constellation you could spot in the night sky. When he laid out on his bed (and if it was dark and late enough - the ceiling ledge outside his window) in the middle of the dark nights, he’d dream of escaping from the bruises and hunger and expectations into the stars and galaxies. He dreamed of dancing along Saturn’s ring and hiding away on Pluto.

As he looked up at the cold, clear night sky above him tonight he dreamed of taking his friends with him - taking Roman to become the charismatic ruler of an alien nation, Patton would be their jokester medic, Virgil their protective safety advisor, Desi their team diplomat and communications officer, and Logan would be the logical mechanic and flight navigator. Together they’d fly off into the stars and travel from planet to planet and galaxy to galaxy. They’d never have to worry about not being enough because they’d have each other.

In sixth grade fractions, decimals, and percentages became his entire being. His tutors had him practicing day and night. When he wasn’t studying math, he was writing essays and doing more history projects than was ever needed. He slept little and looked at the stars even less. Seventh grade was much of the same, but the work was getting harder. He still was ahead of the curve at school, but his tutors and parents weren’t as easy going. (The work was  _ almost _ a welcome distraction. Logan had his first crush and if anyone ever found out, he was doomed.) Now when he slept his nights were filled with nightmares. He met Patton and Roman that year though, and when Patton invited Logan to his first sleepover the smart boy almost cried. (And he definitely cried when his parents said he was too busy to go.) In eighth grade Logan passed out more than he actually slept. Sleeping brought nightmares that he quickly woke from, and Logan only stayed awake because of coffee, energy drinks, and fear. His tutors became less forgiving of mistakes, and his parents started working more and more. He ate dinner alone (if he even ate at all). He’d grown up skinny, but he was suddenly skin and bones and couldn’t eat because he’d gotten too many problems wrong on his latest quiz. (Eventually his tutors - who were around more than his parents were - didn’t even have to keep him away from the food, he would do it himself.) 

He still had never been to a sleepover. His friends started to get worried when he came to school with bags under his eyes and hoodies in the summer. They knew that he was cold all the time and always seemed seconds away from falling unconscious. They tried to get him to open up, to tell them what was wrong and how to help, but Logan knew their attempts were futile. They couldn’t change his parents or his teachers or their plans for him. They couldn’t change the fact that he’d grow up to be the head of his parents tech company and have an amazing wife chosen for him and they’d have 3 children (2 boys and 1 girl). They couldn’t change that his life was planned and that he had no control over anything.

Somewhere deep in his mind he remembered that tonight was another one of Patton’s movie nights and that Logan was the only one of the five not in attendance.

He let out a heavy sigh and stuffed his freezing fingers deeper into his hoodie pocket. It was too cold and too dark for any logical person to be out walking, but Logan had been walking for about 15 minutes (it couldn’t have been less), didn’t know exactly where he was, and wasn’t about to go home. He was stuck in his head and hadn’t been paying attention to when, where, and which ways he’d turned. 

He stopped short, turning and looking at the house next to him. It was a muted tan color, one story, with a small porch and rocking chair out front.The lights were all off.  _ It must be late _ , Logan thought.

He looked across the street and did the same to that house. A pale blue with white trim, also one story, with a lush garden surrounding the wood porch. The only way to make it more perfect would have been to put up a small white picket fence. The light was on in the window facing the street, and Logan thought he saw a small blur pass by before disappearing. 

He turned to look at the concrete below him and set out to get lost further. Maybe if he walked far enough he’d never have to go back. 

He was stopped at the stop sign and was about to turn right when someone tapped him on the shoulder. “Who-“ he was about to ask who that was, but when he turned around he found Roman, Patton, Virgil, and Desi standing there in onesies and tennis shoes.

“What’re you doing here, Pocket Protector?” Roman asked. He was in a Beast onesie.

“What’d you mean ‘here’?” Logan asked confused. 

  
  


“Outside my house in the middle of the night, silly,” Patton explained. He wore a grey cat onesie.

“I don’t know. Do you live here, Patton?”

“Yeah! You stood outside my window for like two minutes. Didn’t you see me waving?” Logan heard Patton’s tone grow soft and concerned.

“Umm, no, no, I didn’t. Sorry,” he was still kind of in a haze, half in his mind and half out in the world, and couldn’t quite keep up with what was going on out here.

Virgil stepped forward and placed a comforting hand on Logan’s shoulder.

He couldn’t help a small, almost unnoticeable flinch.

“Are you okay, Lo?”

“Yeah, why wouldn’t I be?” Logan asked unconvincingly.

“Because it’s like 40 degrees out, you don’t know where you are, and you seem pretty out of it,” Virgil recapped. 

Oh, how smart he was with his bags that almost matched Logan’s, pretty purple bangs, and his skeleton onesie.

“You don’t have to lie to us,” Desi said in his yellow snake onesie.

“Really, guys, I’m fine.”

“Well, we’re gonna walk you home anyway!” Patton declared before walking in the opposite direction.

“Do you at least have your phone?” Virgil asked as he let go of Logan’s shoulder. Virgil’s eyes darted from Logan’s eyes to his hand, though, silently asking if holding his hand was okay. 

Logan nodded as he started to follow the others, “No, I left it at home. Didn’t want Billings or my parents finding me outside the house.” He and Virgil were walking slightly behind everyone else (even though they didn’t know where they were going), and he thought about how easy it would be to lean over and kiss the emo boy. He couldn’t though, it would only cause him problems.

“Hey, which way, Logi Bear?” 

“Uhhh,” he looked up at the street sign, “left, Pat.”

“Who’s Billings?” Desi asked.

“My tutor, he watches me most of the time, makes sure I'm doing my work,” Logan explained. “My parents don’t think that education should stop once you leave the classroom.”

“If you’re still learning when you go home, what do you do for fun, Microsoft Nerd?” Roman asked. (Logan couldn’t help but think that the nickname was ironic.)

“Well, my parents are very passionate about my dance lessons each week and piano on Wednesdays and Sundays,” Logan answered.

“Not your parents, silly,  _ you _ !” Patton clarified as he skipped, blissfully unaware of how different their lives were.

“I used to like… astronomy,” Logan said as he unconsciously looked up at the stars. “Don’t really have much time for it anymore, though.”

“Is that what you were doing out here? Stargazing?” Virgil asked.

“Mostly,” he lied. “Take a right.” 

His back ached, reminding him of his mistakes.

“I like your smile. You get really smiley and passionate when you like something,” Virgil said shyly.

“Thanks,” Logan said just as shyly with one of his perfected smiles. He’d surprisingly gotten good at faking his smiles for his friends’ sakes. They didn’t need all of his drama. “Right,” he called ahead. “So, what movie were y’all watching?”

“Frozen!” Roman responded enthusiastically.

“He rigged the vote!” Desi chimed in.

“Pat wasn’t very upset about it!”

“I still think we should have watched  _ Klaus _ !”

“Guys, calm down,” they weren’t quite too Logan’s house yet, but the boy still knew these people wouldn’t want to be awoken late at night. Logan looked down at his feet and found that one of his shoelaces was untied. “Hey, uh, wait up a sec?” he asked Virgil as he bent down to tie it. As he did, his sweater rose up a little in the back and he quickly pulled it back down.

(Virgil still thought he saw the outline of a large bruise before the sweater was back down.)

“You sure that you’re good, man?” Virgil asked.

“Yeah, I’m sure,” Logan  ~~ lied ~~ reassured as he slipped his hand back into Virgil’s. “Make a left, Pat!”

Roman and Desi still argued softly over the night’s film choice, but the other three stayed pretty quiet. After about five minutes the group came upon Logan’s house.

“Woah,” Patton breathed. “You live here?”

“Umm, yeah,” Logan scratched the back of his neck awkwardly. Suddenly ahead of him he spotted Billings speed walking towards the five of them. “ _ Shit _ !”

“LOGAN CROFT SANDERS! WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE WITH THESE SCOUNDRELS?” 

“Oh my god, I’m so sorry,” Logan whispered before stepping ahead of the others and letting go of Virgil’s hand. 

“Logan Sanders, what the  _ fuck _ do you think you’re doing out of your room at this hour? You have dance practice tomorrow, a quiz to study for, and a paper on string theory due Monday, not to mention your school work!” the angry man yelled and yelled and Logan knew the only reason that a finger hadn’t been laid on him was because his friends were here. They couldn’t stay all night though, and Billings knew that. 

“It’s not like I’d be sleeping anyway.”

“You’re goddamn right, and now you really won’t be! You should be studying because you’re a disappointment as it is. If your parents were here they’d be so disappointed, and if I were them I’d pull you out of that school myself, make sure you’d never see these troublemakers ever again.”

“Well, they aren’t here right now. They work all day and party all night. They don’t care anymore about me than they do about how much their booze costs. They just pull the strings from the background, making the plan and ensuring I stick to it. Maybe I don’t want to run their company for them, maybe I don’t want some arranged marriage, and maybe I don’t want to spend everyday with a book stuffed in my face,” Logan was on a rampage now, and he knew his only confidence was coming from the fact that Billings couldn’t do anything while the others were there.

“It doesn’t matter what you want, foolish boy. You are your parents son, and what they say goes, whether you like it or not. Come on,” Billings grabbed Logan’s arm roughly, and Patton let out a small gasp. “It’s time to go inside.”

“Go on, guys,” Logan said, voice surprisingly level. He wiped the small tears from his cheeks quickly, “Go back to Patton’s,  _ now _ . I’ll see you guys on Monday.”

“Logan, I-“ Virgil started, hand outstretched.

“ _ Go _ . I’ll be fine, like always.”

He watched the four boys worriedly make their way back as they whispered to each other and Logan was dragged back into his house.

A long while later, no one would see how he cried when he found all of his astronomy books and telescope gone and his window boarded up.

A week later, no one would see how he cried as he moved permanently to his family’s coastal property.

(Everyone would see how Roman, Patton, Desi, and Virgil cried when their friend was nowhere to be found.)

Years later, no one would see how he cried after he found the boy he’d never quite gotten over in an almost empty coffee shop (the day before he was to marry a young woman named Valerie).

**Author's Note:**

> i hope i did a good job!  
> leave comments with feedback if u would like.
> 
> i’m so sorry i did this to my boy.


End file.
